i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
