When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
