your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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