I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
