I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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