those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
