THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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