I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
