a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
