you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
