I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
they're like a gay fantastic four
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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