you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
