I'll bet she douches with gravy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my shit smells like andre
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
