The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
