That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
