well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you bring me the toilet please
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
