u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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