I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
