Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
