4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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