I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I need moral support for this bender
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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