She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
