I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
