At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
