Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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