Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
