God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
