It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
