at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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