I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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