My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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