He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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