Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
