mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
