Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
