I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
