i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
