He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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