Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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