She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
