i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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