The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
