Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
