Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
