If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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