I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
