Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
