When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
