How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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