Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
