My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
